Samusa Naraku
by Jigoku Hikari
Summary: Joey told his feelings for Seto in a note. He's gotten no response, throwing him into a deep depression.
1. Special: Going Under

JT made me listen to this song a few weeks ago, saying that this would've been my theme song for when I was depressed. I guess it's true… So I then thought of making it a special chapter for this story! (It IS based off of when I was depressed…) So um… read, I guess…

**Disclaimer:** "Going Under"- Evanescence

Yu-Gi-Oh!- Kazuki Takahashi

**Samusa Naraku: **Special- Going Under

Now I will tell you what I've done for you 

_50,000 tears I cry_

It's all my fault. I can only blame myself for what has been done.

_Screaming,_

_Deceiving,_

_And bleeding for you_

_And you still won't hear me_

I can't take it any longer. No matter how long, how loud I scream, he can't hear me. Damn this cold cell… All this silence…

… _go away…_

_Don't want your hand this time_

_I'll save myself_

_Maybe I'll wake up for once (Wake up for once)_

Or maybe… No, I don't need him… Heh… What was I thinking? He could never love the likes of me. Too much wishful thinking.

Not tormented daily defeated by you 

_Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom_

I'm so deep inside of here… Nobody can help me…Kamisama, not even you can help me now. I put myself here. I wish I could at least hear him call me hi-… a mutt…

I dive again I'm going under (going under) 

_I'm drowning with you (drowning with you)_

_I'm falling forever (falling forever)_

_I've got to break though_

_I'm, going under_

Why can't I keep falling? Aren't I deep enough? Why must I be stuck here, to wait? Hm… Then again… He's changed too. It's in those beautiful eyes…

Blurring and stirring the truth that comes out 

_(I don't know what's real and what's not)_

Heh… There I go, wishing. He couldn't love me. I'm just a mutt, an underling, a nothing to him. So why did I have my hopes up?

_Always confusing the thoughts in my head_

_So I can't trust my self anymore_

But he could… He's just good at hiding it…? Fuck, I'm going in circles.

I dive again 

_I'm going under (going under)_

_I'm drowning with you (drowning with you)_

_I'm falling forever (falling forever)_

Falling forever, in my cold abyss, not knowing what will come my way next. I guess I just can't be loved, can I? Or I fell for the wrong person. Hai…

_I've got to break through_

_I'm, so go on and scream_

Scream at me, so far away 

No one can reach me now, I'm so cold… I'll never feel the light again. I know it.

I won't be broken again 

_I've got to breathe_

_I can't keep going under_

Jeez… forever's a long time, isn't it? Is that really how long I'll stay like this? I'll stay cold _forever_…?

I dive again I'm going under (going under) 

_I'm drowning with you (drowning with you)_

_I'm falling forever (falling forever)_

_I've got to break though_

But that tiny speck of light above me… If I were to stay this way for eternity, then why is that there? What is it telling me…?

_I'm, going under_

_Going under (drowning with you)_

_I'm going under_

No, it can't be.

END SPECIAL

… well? Is it at least _somewhat_ good? I'm not depressed anymore, so this and the last chapter might seem like, I dunno, in a different style. At least it does to me. I tried. NEway, PLEASE review!!!!!


	2. Part One

I normally don't write angst, but hey, one can't blame me. I did a stupid thing by breaking up with my boyfriend (T-T), and I thought of a way to get my feelings out of my system. So I made Joey feel mostly things that I'm feeling now. There might be a part two, I'm not sure as of yet. So read, enjoy, and REVIEW!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or any characters. That would be Kazuki Takahashi. (Any relation to Rumiko Takahashi???) But I wouldn't mind stealing Kaiba... that sexy beast...

**Samusa Naraku** (Cold Abyss)

I feel cold. Cold to the bone, no, to the depths of my soul. An overwhelming chill that I cannot get rid of. No matter what I do or tell myself, it won't go away. This depression will not lift so that I may be happy again. But this coldness... it makes me feel like I'll never be truly happy again.

And the one who caused this? Seto Kaiba.

My entire world feels so cold. I can't help but walk around each day with a deep frown. Yugi, Tea, and Tristan won't leave me alone. They keep asking what the hell is wrong with me. I wish they'd leave me alone. I could never tell them why I'm so depressed. They wouldn't understand.

It feels as if my world has turned black. A world of complete darkness. A void with nothing in it but myself. A dark hole that has swallowed me and won't allow even the smallest glimmer of light inside to touch me. My heart feels the same as well. A black heart full of sorrow, hatred, and nothing. I'm drowning in this pool of nothingness, and no one is around to save me. I feel as if I'm falling... falling deeper, slowly falling further awayfrom anyone that could save me, and further away from happiness and the warmth of light.Nothing above, and nothing below to catch me. Only a black void. (It feels like the fucking Shadow Realm!)

Why do I blame Seto for my internal suffering? Well, I shouldn't blame him. It's actually not his fault that I feel so horrible inside. I seriously don't blame him for the way he feels. One can't change the way they feel so easily.

I admit that I'm in love. You know- head over fuckin' heels. I just wanna be near him, and talk to him about anything we wanted, and without any harsh, hateful words. Instead, using kind, gentle, loving words that I would melt to. And I wish to be held in his arms for as long as possible, my face buried in his tender neck and softly kissing it. Just to feel his warm arms tightly around me, letting me know that he feels the same way I do for him. Hell, I could be happy with just laying beside him, staring into those beautiful cerulean eyes. I crave his tender lips to be against mine, just to know that he's real. I just wanna lay in his arms and cuddle into his warmth, so I would stop being so cold...

I told him in a note about how I feel. I thought that he had the right to know. I did that Friday, and it's now Wednesday. Yeah, I pass him in the halls at school, even have two classes with him. I don't talk to him- I'm unable to. I keep my head down, keeping my eyes low, and long for him to talk to me first. But I notice that he also looks down, and has a complete sadness in his eyes. Everytime I see him like that, I just wanna hold him close and try to make him smile. I wish that we could talk to each other as lovers... I can only wish...

I just feel like curling into a ball and crying my eyes out in this void that I'm stuck in. I wish someone, that someone being Seto, to come into this dark oblivion and pull me into the light. I wish I would stop feeling so cold and unloved.

I constantly feel cold. I'm always wearing any long sleeves I can these days. Even then, I'm still freezing. Everything I touch feels cold. I look at myself in the mirror, and my eyes are even icyer than Seto's. Everyone's commented that my voice and choice of words are colder that ice. I feel like a souless husk of a body, and darkness took it over. And I hate it.

I wanna end this all. There're two ways to lift this overwhelming depression- 1.) Seto talkss to me and tells me that he loves me too, and we live happily ever after. 2.) ... Well. I end it myself. I'd use slow, torturous pain to end it all. Not many'll miss me, so no loss there. We have dozens of razor blades just lying around the house. Oh, and we have a knife, curved and about the length of a short sword. Real sharp, and made in Sweden. (Shows how closely I inspected it.) Starvation would work,but sharp objects give more... pleasure. It'd beat this constant, heart breaking pain inside, living day by day, hoping and wishing that he'd speak up about how he feels.

Hmm... Poison. I learned in school that chemicals like methanol can kill humans...

I just want all of this hurt and coldness to go away, no matter what it takes. I can barely stand it anymore.

Author's Notes: Well? Whaddya think for my angsty.... chapter? Story? YOU DECIDE!!! It's different to write, since I'm mostly a humor story author. (And is a supergenius at it!!!! ) Like I said before, I've felt like crap inside, and wanted to get my feelings out.

Send lots of reviews if you want this to continue!!!! (I'll love you forever if you do!!! )


	3. Part Two

I'm surprised I got so many reviews for the first chapter!. Thank you all for reviewing, and loving me... I feel so speci'l... Seeing that this story seems more popular than planned, I plan to have 4 parts to this story. And, uh.... like I said in the 1st part, this is based off the feelings I've had since I broke up with my bf. (T-T I still hate myself for that) But ANYWAY! --grin-- On with the show!

**Review Responses:**

Killian: No! No happy endings! They're against my religion!!! lol

Kumori Sakusha: Of course it's cool- _I_ wrote it!

sansty-san: Yes, very angsty. I'm happy you wanted more, so here it is! (Is 'angsty' even a word...?)

Jigoku Tenshi: Like I said in the beginning of the last chapter, I was making Joey feel the same things I've been. That meant EVERYTHING! And I won't give you permission to harm Ryuukai in any way- I still love him, dammit! And thank you ever so much for what you did at the bonfire. I wuv you, sissie!!!

PepperFang: Thanks for the review! But don't cry... you'll make me cry... T-T

**Disclaimer:** Do I have to put this in every chapter? I hope not... I'll probably forget... But anyway, I DON'T own Yu-Gi-Oh! It's cool and all that, but I can't have it. Excuse me while I cry over it. T-T

**Samusa Naraku:** Part Two

I've waited two more days. Two more days of this torture. He hasn't spoken to me, written any notes to me, nothing. I put a note in his locker, asking why he hasn't talked to me. Before, we talked little, and it was mostly calling each other every bad thing we could think of. I'd rather it be like that, instead of this painful silent treatment.

I remember when I wrote that note, the one that told him how I feel, I thought that I would be a little happier. I would have that secret off my chest, and I could feel better knowing that he knew. But no, I feel like I took my heart into my own hands and ripped it apart myself. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but this silent treatment... I really thought that I would be happy after I told him my true feelings for him, not this depression. I don't know where I went wrong... I have a hope that he loves me back, and that hope won't go away. The daydream of us being together is constantly on my mind.

I guess both of our attitudes have changed a little. I can feel myself slowly returning back to normal, like being able to talk and laugh with my friends. Even so, it feels... fake. Inside me, I still feel cold and heartless. I can still see that my eyes are cold, and my heart feels the same. And when I see Seto in the halls or in class, his attantion is up instead of on the ground. But his eyes... they're sad and depressed. We look right at each outher and see what emotions are in the other's eyes, only to look away and continue passing by. Just doing that stirs up the dark emotions that are inside me- despair, depression, hurt, unrequited love...

Kami, I can't stand looking at him when he's like this.I wish I hadn't given him that note, that changed our entire relationship. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, and rip up that note before I get the chance to put it in his locker. I'd rather see him with his normal emotionless mask on, with is icy, unforgiving eyes that many choose to avoid. I'd rather hear him call me 'Mutt', and a third- rate duelist, everything he used to call me, just to know I'm real. Gods, I miss those days. It would be so much better if we were together, and he loved me, and he wouldn't care who knew it.

I have this urge to cuddle... To cuddle with someone warm and strong. (Seto!) I want him to hold me close, so I can know that I'm loved for who I am. I feel as if I am unlovable, like no one wants me. Yeah, I have friends, whoop-di-do. I mean something different. I just want to feel loved. To know that someone truely wants me, and won't hold anything back from me. I wanna just be held by him tightly, and bury my nose into his neck. I wanna feel soft, warm lips against mine, and hear Seto softly say that he loves me...

Damn... Now I wish I would stop daydreaming. It's pretty much all I've been doing. But it's all I can do, since it may not even come true. Not a single dream won't come true in the slightest bit, and I'll somehow be driven deeper into the cold. I'm not sure if I could go any deeper than I am now. I've fallen so deep... Heh, yeah, I've fallen. In love with Seto Kaiba, that is.

But no, I'm stuck in this cold, dark, endless world. But this time, I an see something. It's faint, but I can still barely see it. It's so far above me... but I suspect that it's light. A light that I've been longing for. It's just a tiny speck above me. No matter how far I try to reach for it, no matter how hard I try to move toward it, I can't. In fact, I've stopped falling into this cold abyss. All I can do is stare at that light, and wish that it could reach me.

I'll bet anything that if I left, if I comitt suicide, he wouldn't miss me. Oh wait, he would- he wouldn't have anyone to call a 'defenseless puppy' anymore. He wouldn't have anyone to sneer at. He wouldn't have to be sad anymore... and neither would I. Hell, I'll even make it quick and painless so that I won't chicken out. Just take a gun, aim it at my head, a toodle-loo world. But that knife/sword still intrigues me. I like it a lot, and I'm just itching to try it somehow...

The inside of me still hurts, but it's lessening. I've stopped falling deeper into the darkness. But why? I don't want to change, not yet. I don't like it. I just hope that Seto'll talk to me soon.

Well? Whaddya think? Review, I say, REVIEW!!!! I must also add that I am a ghet'o hypocrite!! (Don't ask) So um, review, and wait patiently for part three!!

ADVERTISEMENT: **Teian no Kokoro**

In Teian no Kokoro (Proposal of Heart), Kaiba finally realizes that he needs a break. He saves Joey from a tight spot, and they become friends. Eventually, both of them realize that the feeling is more than friendship. Marik sees what's going on and decides to play a little game with them. Does contain limes, so watch out for those if you don't like them. It's really good, if you ask me. Of course, there's humor in it. I'm a comedic writer- I couldn't resist! Anyway, read that if you want.


	4. Part Three

Yeah, um, sorry for taking so long to update! Computer troubles that I can't explain. -sobs- Forgive me!!! At least I updated at all! I could've just deleted this story... then get mugged by my loyal readers because they want more... I'm loved, aren't I? Anyway, here's the part that all of you have waited so long for. I'll try to update sooner!

...I'm lazy. Thank you to all those who have reviewed! Review this one, too, will ya?!

**Disclaimer: ** Why am I putting this? I think it's out of boredom... Anyway, here it is: I DO NOT OWN JOEY OR SETO OR ANYTHING THAT PERTAINS TO YU-GI-OH!!! ...Can you hear me now? lol

**Samusa Naraku:** Part Three

My heart has raised a bit. The black wings that have covered it, hiding it from view, are beginning to spread open, so that they can return to their original snowy white and fly again. I'm actually cheering up as well. I can finally wear a true smile, but it's never for long. But at least it's not fake. How could this have happened? He wrote me back.

I can't quote from it exactly, since I read it only once, but it said that he wants to wait. I guess I can understand... He wants to sort out how he feels for me. The note didn't say actually how _long_ I must wait... It kind of hurts a little. Great, more waiting. I waited for at least _some _response from him, and now I must wait longer. It already feels a little depressing, because I haven't a single clue as to when I can stop waiting. And while I wait, he'll continue this heart wretching silent treatment, further putting me in the dark. I won't have a clue as to what his answer will be to me, so I won't know if I'm keeping my hopes up for nothing or not.

Kami... I hope he says that he loves me. Just to hold me in his arms and say those words that'll pull me out of depression forever. No more hurt, no more sadness, no more pain... Only bliss will follow. And I _long_ for that day to come. It seems so far away, though... Like it'll never happen. He'll say that he doesn't love me, and it'll shatter me. I'll feel like I'm nothing to everyone, even to myself. But I guess that's the way I feel now. I sorta hate myself, but I'm not sure why. But then again, it's my fault that he's stopped talking to me. I'd rather be sneered at, called a mutt, then have this silent treatment. At least he acknowledged me back then...

Geez... I'm already jumping to conclusions. Maybe I'm putting myself down for nothing, and he _will _love me. I'll forget about ever thinking of what would happen if he didn't say that he loved me. Because then he would, and I'd be happy. You know, like in the fairy tales- happily ever after.

I can imagine myself just staring into his eyes, warm, loving, eyes, and just melting into them like nothing. I can imagine that beautiful, heart melting, soft smile upon his lips, just begging for me to kiss them... Gods, I want it do badly! It's tearing me up inside, just daydreaming of it! Damn... now I have this urge to kiss.

All I can do now is lay back in my dark little world, and stare longingly up at that speck of light that's been taunting me for about a week and a half now. I'm expecting Seto's face to appear in that little dot, and he'll rip these cold walls away, letting me bathe in the same warmth that he's in. I'm still stuck, not falling one bit. Just floating in the nothingness that is inside me. And I've halted on my wish to kill myself. No, that idea'll wait. It's still there, but I'm waiting for the outcome of all this. More waiting... I can feel myself curling into a ball in my samusa naraku, so tightly that my legs are starting to hurt. I want all the pain to leave me alone, just go away...

Hurry Seto... Come and help me...

END PART THREE

Geez this is short... But I couldn't think of anything else! T-T Gomen... I'm gonna make the last part extra long, I promise. Yes, you read correctly- Part four will be the last. So... will Joey have a happy ending.... or a sad one...? MUAHAHAHA!!! The outcome is held in my hands!!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! ... I've been around JT too long... NEway, I'm gonna go write more to my other angst story now. (Should I put it up on or not...? HMM.....) PLEASE review, k? I wuv you!!!

To those who read my other YGO story, Teian no Kokoro: I'll update it as soon as I can, I promise!!! T-T Plz don't kill me...


	5. Part Four

HI! Here it is- the last chapter of Samusa Naraku. I know- it's taken a little while for me to get around to typing it up. Gomen. But this chapter is longer than the others, like promised. I'm glad so many have liked this story, so I hope you'll like the ending! Enjoy!

Too many reviews to respond to... plus I'm lazy. Just know that I love my reviewers more than I love my sister! Wait... I take it back... I was KIDDING, JT, I swear! -runs-

**Disclaimer: ** When worms fly and the sky turns neon pink, only then will I own YGO. Until then, -snuggles with Joey plushie- I'll keep to my plushies.

**Samusa Naraku:** Part Four

I'm looking around my cold abyss, the one I've been trapped in for what seems like forever. The one that has kept every warm emotion from coming to me, and has kept every strand of light from touching me. It won't allow any of the warmth that I so long for. All there is is darkness and silence. It's been silent the entire time I've been kept here, but I can feel it changing. It feel's more like a pregnant pause, the kind right before something happens. I can't tell if it's good or bad- I just know that it's something. So all I can do is wait a little more, staring at that speck of light above that's been taunting me for the past two and a half months. Will it finally open, shed light and warmth inside this cage, and make the walls shatter? Can I finally, after so long, be pulled out of here and be able to feel warm and happy again?

Will Seto be in that light with me?

I pull my locker open right after I enter the combination. I begin to put away the books in my arms, but something catches my eye. I look, and my breath hitches. There, in one of the vent slots, is a folded piece of paper. ...Did my heart just skip a beat? I shove the books inside and grab the note, hopping like hell that it's from Seto. Slamming the locker shut, I follow the crowd of teens out the doors to head home.

A few minutes later, I'm behind the school and plopping on the grass under a bushy tree near the wall. Wow... I never noticed that it was spring... People my age walking with their friends without jackets, some actually in shorts. The grass is bright green and growing again. The trees' leaves are coming back to life in full bloom. The sky is a flawless cerulean blue...

Seto's eyes...

I pull the note from my pocket, feeling my heart speed up. Is this what I've waited so long for? I hope it _is_ from him... What will I do if it isn't? If it is from Seto, will it release me from this depression? Carefully, trying not to tear it with my slightly shaky hands I unfold it. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding- Seto's perfect handwritting.

'Joey, meet me after school at the tree in the back of the building.'

Holy hell... It's so blunt, so _simple_, yet it has my heart racing. I'm here, Set, I'm _here_... I look around to see if he's coming, but he's nowhere in sight. Come on... Come tell me that I haven't been waiting and keeping my hopes up for nothing... Tell me that I'm loved and wanted in this world...

Just a minute more of waiting, even though I'm so sick of waiting. I can't wait until he comes and says that I can _stop _waiting. Then again, I've been able to live with just waiting for him. It feels like this long wait has made me accept my soul feeling like an empty shell. No, just a moment longer won't hurt...

Dammit, Seto... Come out here, answer the questions that I've only been able to ask myself. Tell me, my heart, my entire being, every single thing that I want to hear. Please... Don't bring bad news...

I can't keep my eyes off the corner that I know he'll come around. I'm listening really hard for his footsteps, a swish of one of his annoying trenchcoats, yet all I can hear are teenagers. I can feel my blood pounding though my veins, feeling as if it were fire. Okay... I'm ready to watch him come around that corner and approach me, his blue school uniform fitting his slender body perfectly, his hair shiny and slicked back like it normally is, and those eyes... Cold as my heart, yet... loving. At least I hope they'll be...

Kami, I beg of you... let him love me. Let him tell me that my holding my breath for him has not been in vain...

Oh... There he is... My Kami, he's perfect. Flawless. Perfect in _every way_ imaginable. He's so thin, yet he looks so _strong_... Long, slender legs, carrying him across the grounds towards me. ... What's that in his eyes...?

"Hey," he said, walking up to me.

Why is it getting harder to breathe?

"Hey," I reply, getting up.

I can't look into those eyes. I can't tell what he's feeling.

"So you got my note?"

Gods, that voice. So... seductive...

"Yeah."

Tell me what I'm dying to hear.

He manuvered himself to look into my lowered eyes. "Something wrong?"

Heh, more than you know, Set. I wish I could tell you...

"No."

_Tell me..._

"Is it because I made you wait so long?"

Yes... It's felt like an eternity...

All I can do is nod.

Crap. I feel like I wanna cry now. But I can't.

He's starting to smile. Geez, even his smile's perfect. But, this one's different... Why do I feel warmer? "Thanks for not badgering me for my answer."

I hear my mind wimper. Any day now...

"Was it hard to wait so long for me?"

No crying, not now... Just a little longer...

"... Just a little, I guess."

I hold in my gasp somehow. He's so warm... I feel like I can just melt right here. _This _ is what I've been waiting, _longing_ for... Just being in his arms...

"I apologize. I noticed that you've been looking down the entire time you've had to wait."

Tell me you love me. I need to hear it.

My forehead falls to his left shoulder. For once, I'm speechless.

"If it helps, it was hard for me too... I didn't want you to be in pain for so long."

Wow... The great Seto Kaiba is able to be compassionate. Wait... to me? Shit, the tears are coming. It doesn't help at all that he's softly rocking me from side to side, and holding me so close... I can't say what I want to. I'll give away that I'm almost in tears.

"Joey. Look at me." I feel him lean back so he can look at me. I hurridly close my eyes. "Joey, come on." My eyes open, and a look of relief went on his features. "Guess what."

I can only smile. It's the way he said 'Guess what.', I guess. He said it softly, and he sounds so happy...

This is it... I can feel it.

"What?"

... Holy Kami... Is this actually happening? Am I in another one of my dreams? I feel like... moaning. If he's kissing me, it could only mean...

He loves me...

My world... the heartless walls that have kept me and my emotions caged, they're shattering. It's starting at the top and working its way down. That tiny speck of light is expanding, ripping away the walls, and dissolving the debris. The walls are breaking aparting large, black shards, going so fast... And now I'm enveloped in light. In Seto's arms and in the middle of this glorious kiss.

A single tear falls down my cheek. I can finally be happy.

END

... -bursts into tears- It's so beautiful...! I love it so much! -mumbles- Even though it was inspired by my idiocity... But we won't go into that! I'm happy now, so therefore Joey must be, so it's all great and good! -grin- I hope you liked the ending. Took me a bit to write it, actually, trying to make it as long as I can. Did it work? Anyway, PLEASE review this final chapter. Tell me that it's as good as I think it is, k? Luv ya lots!

Written from 9-27-04 to 10-7-04

Special chapter added in 1-05


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